Brother’s Funny Speech

Word Count 437

Thanks for coming. I’m Jake’s brother, Nathan. And apparently I’m the best man, so I should say a few words.

It’s not easy being Jake’s brother. Smart, reasonably attractive, a doctorate in a field I can hardly spell. Well, that my mother can hardly spell. I feel like the Danny Devito to his Arnold Schwartzenneger. So it’s with a heavy heart that I must add one more check in his column, his marriage to the wonderful Sophia. But I got the good hair, so at least there’s that.

Jake, this is the part where I bet you’ll think I’ll trot out the embarrassing anecdotes from our childhood. And you’d be wrong. I want to talk about some of the attributes that make you who you are. But in an embarrassing fashion.

There was the time you made me play Dungeon’s and Dragons with you in your bedroom so that your elf warrior would have a plus one sword the next time you played with your middle school friends. As you can see, Jake is quite resourceful.

Remember that one summer when you were home from Pomona? You decided to crack a beer and boil some ramen, showing off your newfound adulthood. You stood at the stove like it was a natural extension of your arms, a chef in the making. You wound up grilling our toaster, which promptly burst into flames. We were scrubbing ash out of the carpet and windows for weeks. This illustrates just a tiny slice of his culinary skill.

Your nose job. Granted, it was the result of playing rugby. Or so you claim. So I guess it demonstrates your grit. Or, if the rugby thing is just a cover, your vanity.

The ill-advised earring you received during a church youth retreat. I’m not sure what attribute that describes, but it had to be said.

I’m sorry Sophia, I’m not sure if you knew what you were getting in to. Good luck with all that.

Let me close with this. A couple of winters ago, I was visiting my brother here in San Diego, happy just to be away from another Chicago December. He came home one night with the biggest smile on his face. A rarity, since he wasn’t looking at his fantasy basketball team at the time. I asked him why the grin, and he simply responded that he had met someone that night.

Sophia, thank you for keeping him smiling all these years later. I wish you two every happiness. Amor vincit omnia, Jake, I love you.

Everyone, please join me in a toast to the bride and groom.



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