Word Count: 1892
Hello and welcome to you all on this very special occasion, to celebrate the wedding of this fine couple we have before us.
First and foremost, welcome to this incredibly special day, where we’ve gathered to celebrate the wedding of this amazing couple, Alex and Julie. On behalf of the beautiful bridesmaids, I’d like to thank Alex and Julie for their kind words and compliment the bridesmaids for doing a fantastic job of keeping Julie looking absolutely stunning today. The maid of honor has outdone herself—but I’m biased, of course! Also, thanks to Lou for being the best man number one. Does that make me number two? I’m still not sure how the ranking works!
Now, a wise man once told me that the best man’s speech should last about as long as the groom’s best efforts in bed. So… that’s it from me. The telegrams and cards will be on the bar for you all to read later, thank you!
(Sits down briefly)
Alright, alright, I’ll do it properly. Like most people giving a best man speech, I’m a bit nervous. So much so that this isn’t the first time today I’ve stood up with sheets of paper in my hand… though, earlier, it was in the bathroom.
That said, I wasn’t nearly as nervous as Alex was this morning. After he came out of the bathroom, I went in and found this. (Hands a brick to Alex.) On behalf of Alex and Julie, I’d like to thank you all for being here, especially those who traveled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you’d all stayed home—this would have been much easier for me!
Let’s go back to where it all started. Apparently, the magic began at Buzz nightclub, where Julie, ever so subtly, pinched Alex on the bottom. A move that left such an impression on Alex—quite literally, as it gave him a bruise that lasted for weeks. Julie, however, immediately blamed one of her friends. According to Alex, she pointed to Jane, but after a few drinks, I’m not entirely sure how accurate his memory is!
Believe it or not, it took a whole year before they crossed paths again. I guess Julie’s pinch wasn’t as powerful as she thought! But then came the fateful text from Julie, “Do you remember me? We met at Buzz.” Alex, after some deep thought (and probably food), remembered. They met two weeks later, and Alex recalls the date vividly—not because of Julie, mind you, but because of the tuna steak he had at Weatherspoons. Priorities, right?
Now, I have to say, the nerves got the better of Alex on that date. His hands were shaking so much that it took him an hour to eat his jacket potato. And, without his mum around to cut his food, it was a real challenge for him! But clearly, he got over those nerves, or we wouldn’t be here today.
When Julie met Alex’s parents, Fran and Andy, everything went well—until Andy, in his infinite wisdom, remarked after she left, “Julie has big…eyes.” Phew, close one! Those big, brown eyes clearly made a lasting impression.
I asked Alex what attracted him to Julie, and he said, “Her huge…sense of humor.” And believe me, she’s going to need it, marrying him!
My main duty today is to give you a glimpse into Alex’s past—the wild nights, the run-ins with the law, the endless pub sessions. But, I couldn’t find any of that because, frankly, Alex is a bit boring. Instead, I’ll focus on the one constant in his life: food.
Alex, also known as “Donna” on certain weekends (don’t ask), has developed some interesting habits since moving in with Julie. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that Julie has married a man who enjoys wearing women’s clothes. Yes, I’ve seen him eyeing that wedding dress today. But no worries, it’s nothing a few therapy sessions can’t fix.
Let me take you back to 2nd August 1982, when the golden child, Alex, was born. Dexys Midnight Runners’ “Come On Eileen” was number one. That probably makes some of you feel old. Alex weighed a healthy 8 pounds, 1 ounce—exactly half an ounce more than his sister, Jennifer. She insists the difference was because Alex had a winkle. I’ll leave that one there.
Now, tradition dictates that I mention Alex’s ex-girlfriends, but after extensive research, I found that most of them have been eradicated by mad cow disease. Shame.
For today, though, Alex has scrubbed up quite well. He even got a good night’s sleep, thanks to my expert care. We only had a couple of pints last night, after which he slept like a baby—which means he woke up every half an hour, crying for his mum.
Julie, you’ve married a wonderful man, though he still has a lot to learn. Alex, today is the happiest day of your life—or at least, that’s what Julie told me earlier. You’ve married an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman, and we all know she deserves the best. But hey, you got in there first before she found one!
I had a chat with Julie’s dad, Chris, last night, trying to dig up some childhood memories. All he could recall was sending her to bed with a dummy each night. Some things never change!
Julie, remember: men are like fine wine. They start as grapes, and it’s your job to stomp on them in the dark until they mature into something you’d actually like to have dinner with. Alex, women are also like fine wine. They start fresh, fruity, and intoxicating, but over time, they become full-bodied—and eventually give you a headache.
Now, I have some practical advice. A husband shopping center recently opened, and as the floors go higher, the attributes of the men improve. However, as the women keep climbing, they find that no man is perfect, and the final floor simply exists to prove that some women are impossible to please. Alex, keep that in mind.
Lastly, some real advice: never go to bed angry—stay up and argue! And always remember those three magic words: “You’re right, dear.”
Before I finish, I need a bit of audience participation. Julie, could you place your hand on the table, please? Now, Alex, place your hand on top of Julie’s. Everyone, take a good look. This is the last time Alex will have the upper hand in this marriage!
Ladies and gentlemen, my throat is dry, and I can think of no better remedy than a toast. Please raise your glasses to the health, wealth, and eternal happiness of the newlyweds. To Alex and Julie, the new Mr. and Mrs. Welsh!
Cheers!