Word Count: 1892
Hello and welcome to you all on this very special occasion, to celebrate the wedding of this fine couple we have before us. Firstly on behalf of the beautiful brides –maids I would like to thank Alex and Julie for their kind words and would like to add my compliments to them on doing a wonderful job of keeping Julie looking superb throughout the ceremony. The maid of honour has done a wonderful job but then again I would say that wouldn’t I. Also thanks to Lou for being their as the number 1 best man to Alex. So does that make me a No 2 I don’t know.
A wise man once told me that the best mans speech should last as long as the grooms best efforts at making love. So I’m afraid that’s it from me, and the telegrams & cards will be on the bar for you all to look at later, thank you.
SIT DOWN BRIEFLY
Like most people asked to give a best man speech, I’m a little nervous. So much so that this isn’t the first time I’ve got up from a warm seat today with some sheets of paper in my hand.
Having said that, I don’t think I was as anxious as Alex was this morning, after he had been to the toilet I followed close behind & I found this. (Pass BRICK to Alex).
On behalf of Alex and Julie, I’d like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you’d all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me.
Well where did it all start, Alex seems to have suffered from some sort of memory loss as to where why and when. Julie had to correct some of my research for this speech. Thanks Alex.
Apparently it started with a pinch by Julie on Alexs bottom at the Buzz nightclub I’m not sure if that’s a Northern trait but it certainly attracted Alexs attention and gave him the most massive bruise which lasted for weeks so ten out of ten for subtlety. Julie promptly turned and blamed one of her friends (according to Alex, Julie had blamed Jane but with Alexs powers of recollection and with a few drinks thrown in I’m not to sure if any of this speech is correct)
The impression on Alexs backside had long gone before the lovers next crossed paths, believe it or not it was a whole year later, quite what the hold up was neither of them wanted to own up.
After an introductory text message from Julie that said “DO YOU REMEMBER ME WE MET AT BUZZ” Alex racked his brain, he had been to sleep lots of times since that first playful pinch but strangely for Alex he did remember very well. And about 2 weeks later they finally met up. Alex’s memory of the date was the great Tuna steak that he had at the Weatherspoons pub. Always thinking of his food. Alexs next recollection was once again yes you guessed it food however this time Alex was so nervous that the Jacket potato that he had ordered was proving to be a little difficult to eat especially with his hands that were shaking like a leaf. Also his mummy wasn’t there to cut his food up for him. Anyway an hour later Alex finally triumphed not that he was ever going to let any old jacket potato beat him. I think Alex has got over those nerves now; well he did do until this morning. And so the romance flourished.
Julie finally came to meet Fran and Andy and believe me that is a scary thought I have the mental scars to prove it. All had gone really well; well as good as it could be meeting your boyfriend’s parents. Andy in all innocence after Julie had gone came out with one of those classic lines that will haunt him forever. Julie has got big (what the hell was he going to say surely not breasts no it was eyes). And so Julie had made her first impression on Alexs family with those big brown eyes.
In fact I asked Alex what attracted him to Julie and he said it was her huge PAUSE Sense of humour. And boy does she need it marrying Alex!
My main duty today is to give you all an introduction to the groom, relating tales about his crazy adventures as a young man, his run-ins with the police, the marathon sessions in the pub and his string of meaningless flings. I should then introduce the benevolent influence of the bride on our young hero, as she struggled to tame a man with an approach to life that combined ape-like urges with gay abandon. Of course, I can’t cover everything, so I’m just going to concentrate on the gay abandon.
Alex sometimes known as Donna (especially at the weekend) has developed a rather strange tendency since he has lived with Julie, yes you guessed it Mr and Mrs Price you have allowed your daughter to marry a cross dresser not only that but he has joined your family. I have seen the glint of jealousy in Alexs eye today every time he turns and looks at Julie in that lovely dress. Alex has taken to wearing make-up and women clothes, I’m not sure if this was borne out of the cosseting (no not corsets Alex) that he received from his mother as a young child through to his late teens.
Alex the GOLDEN CHILD arrived on the 2nd August 1982 at this time Dexys Midnight Runners was No 1 with Come On Eileen
I bet that’s made some of you feel old.
Alex weighed in at 8 pound and 1 ounce that was precisely half an ounce more than Jennifer had weighed when she was born. Alex is most indignant that Jennifer insists his half an ounce was due to the fact that he had a winkle.
Alex could do no wrong in Fran’s eyes, for years he thought that his bedroom was possessed by a ghost because every time he went out his bedroom looked like war torn Iraq and every time he came back it had mysteriously tidied itself all up. He has by all accounts found his match with Julie she has caught the messy bug off of Alex. Having stayed in there flat last night I see what Fran and Denise had to contend with over the years. ONLY JOKING.
Now, if I were to follow tradition, I would delve into the lesser-known stories of Alex’s life and bring up things about ex-girlfriends and other indiscretions. In preparing for my speech, I actually tried to contact some of Alex’s ex-girlfriends, but, unfortunately, mad cow disease saw most of them put down a couple of years ago.
For a change, Alex has scrubbed up quite nicely too. He looks very refreshed, don’t you think? I feel I can take a certain amount of credit for this, because I tried to ensure Alex got a good night’s sleep. We only had a few pints (promise), after which he slept like a baby – so he kept waking up every half an hour crying and asking for his mummy.
Alex this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well that’s at least what Julie told me earlier! And so it should be, for you have married a very beautiful and intelligent girl. Julie is a lovely warm and caring person and I think we all agree she deserves a good husband…. Fortunately for you Alex, you got in and married her before she found one!
I had a short discussion with Julie’s dad Chris last night to get him to share some of his childhood memories of Julie. ~All he could come up with was how he used to send her off to bed with a dummy at night… NO CHANGE THERE THEN
But remember Julie, men are like fine wine- they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Alex, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
Alex you will do well to remember the moral of this story Recently a “Husband Shopping Centre” opened in London, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you went up. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands…
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.”
The women read the sign and said, “Well that’s better than not having
a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they went.
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.”
“Hmmm”, said the ladies. “But, I wonder what’s further up?”
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework.”
“Wow!” said the women. “Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!”
And up they went.
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love
Kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a
“Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are absolutely impossible to please.
But seriously I do have some words of advice for the lovely couple.
The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
Never go to bed on an argument- stay up and fight
Always remember whose boss, And never answer her back
And finally the key to a long and happy marriage is to remember those 3 magic words “You’re right Dear”
Ive done enough on my own so at this point I would like to ask Alex and Julie to participate in the speech for a short moment. Don’t worry, it’s quite harmless, TRUST ME…
Julie can I ask you to put your hand flat on the table…
Alex now it’s your turn place your hand directly on top of Julie’s.
I hope you’re enjoying that Alex, as it’s the last time you will have the upper hand!
Cards and telgrams
Ladies and Gentlemen, my throat was dry when I began this speech, it’s even drier now and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds. So please fill your glasses and rise to drink a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Welsh, Alex & Julie