Funny Best Man Speech

Word Count: 322

Ahh.. anyway… this wasn’t my original speech. The original and better one was on my work computer. I had spent weeks on it, and then one morning last month I got called into the conference room, and before I knew it I was sent home with a pink slip, and so I never got to print it out, so I’m sorry if you’re disappointed. I just didn’t want Monica to be the only one who felt that way at the end of the night… but seriously, I could go on even more, but as it is, I’m sorry it’s so long. Which will probably be the last time Monica hears that specific apology.

I could never have known back then that this mediocre, frail, and unexceptional young man would have turned out to be an even less exceptional, more mediocre and impossibly fragile older man such as Allen is now, and so now I turn to the newlyweds. (Raise glass)

As you embark now, to spend your twilight years together, as newlyweds, keep in mind that your best years are in front of you, and when those three or four years have passed, may the many long years after that be less hopeless and forlorn than all of us who know Allen once anticipated it might turn out to be. Okay, and one last thing, I know I spent most of this speech talking about Allen, but Monica, I don’t want you to get the short end of the stick, but since you’re marrying Allen, you don’t really have much of a choice anymore.

Okay, all joking aside… Monica, don’t believe a word of what I just said, it’s all untrue. You’re a fantastic woman, and you’ve managed to get married to one of the best people I’ve ever known in my entire life, in spite of his.. uh.. shortcomings.

Congratulations to you both, may you have a long and happy marriage!


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