Honest Best Man Speech

Word Count: 1182

First of all, I want to say a little bit about being the best man. I feel
the title “best man” says a bit too much. The way I see it, if I am the best man, what the hell is Kim doing with John? So, I think I will be happy just saying that I’m a pretty good man, And John can be the best man tonight.

Actually, being the best man is an awesome responsibility and one that I
don’t take lightly. In life you can count your true friends on one hand,
these being people who will be there in your hour of need. I remember when
my hair starting falling out, John was there kindly rubbing Immac into my
head, when I lost my job, John was there and When my girlfriend dumped me,
John was there. In fact the more I think about it Jay you’re a bloody jinx.

I did a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn’t be forgetting anything, and came up with a checklist of what my duties should be.

BRING OUT LIST

Before I get to the list though, I want to share a little more about what I found in my research. I read a book that stated that there are three key
elements to a successful wedding day. They are as follows:

The Aisle – The longest walk you’ll ever take.
The Altar – The place where two become one.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.

I think Kim must have read the same book, because after taking the vows
earlier today, I’m pretty sure I heard her mumbling those same three things.

– – – Aisle Altar Hymn.

Ok, now back to the checklist. This checklist that I came up with included
each of the following.

1. Making sure his Face and Hair are in order (If god couldn’t do it, what chance have I got.)
2. Keeping John’s mechanical hands away from the wedding car so that we actually got here
3. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay” – Thankfully
the foot and mouth epidemic saw off most of them, and I think the rest are
actually out celebrating as I speak.
4. And finally, make a speech at the wedding reception, so I thought I would give a little bit of background into John for those who
don’t know him as well as me. So here goes.

Background

John was born 15th December 1981 at Lincoln Hospital and weighed just 5lb
12oz after coming prematurely, (no change there then). Thinking about it
he’s always been sexually backwards as once when quizzed by a doctor on
while he thought he kept being sick and couldn’t go to school “he replied I think im pregnant. Thankfully he wasn’t.

This leads me on nicely to his school life where unfortunately of
fortunately depending on how you look at it we didn’t actually see that much of each other but from what I gather he was an ideal pupil that excelled in most subjects

Sorry I meant to say

He was an idle pupil that was expelled from most subjects. Which led to him
leaving school prematurely………again…….. At the age of 15 to purKim
his desired career as a motor mechanic although his first choice was to be a dustman as they finished at 9 o clock in the morning. Anyhow he went on to work for Kwik fit as a kwik fit fitter but unfortunately had to leave as he couldn’t grasp the dance and im sure you’ll see exactly what I mean when the disco starts.

Meeting Kim
John not being a big fan of discos, he used to hang out in Yates wine bar
where he subsequently met Kim. Apparently Kim fancied John for quite a while before they actually got it together, but after several months in the Betty Ford clinic she seemed to regain her senses.

Unfortunately she seemed to have a relapse and bumped into John again in
his local haunt. Once again finding him attractive (which I can only put
down to the drink and drugs) Kim proceeded to make the first move by asking
John to hold her jacket. John then with all his natural charm invited Kim
out for dinner. When he told me of this I thought it was a bit out of
character for John to Firstly go out for dinner and Secondly actually pay.
It was only later that I found that he had rifled Kims pockets whilst
holding her jacket and was paying with her money and from that one meal at
McDonalds true love blossomed and we are all here today.

We may be asking ourselves what Kim sees in John, I regularly do as well.
But they do say love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. So
I’d just like to say John, you are a lucky groom; marrying Kim today. She
deserves a good husband… So thank goodness you married her before she
found one.

However, It is an honor, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life,
to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need
of my services again in the future because I’m not doing it.

Ive just got a couple of telegrams to read out before the toast..

From John’s friend Darren – Best wishes to you both. It’s been said that
marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

To John…we could have been so good together, if only…love Michael
Barrymore

and one more…

To Kim…if only I didn’t have to leave it could have been special…love
Jeffrey Archer…

I must come to a close now so that we can start the dancing and more
importantly start the drinking. I noticed my dad was fidgeting a bit and we
all know how he gets when BLOOD starts entering his ALCOHOL STREAM.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I’d like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day, particularly those who have traveled a long way to be
here. I started planning this speech 12 months ago, and you must all feel
like I’ve been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense
pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your
glasses in a toast for John and Kim, Mr. and Mrs. xxxx no less, We wish
them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful
marriage. John and Kim.

And while you’re all standing I’ve just got a few last things to say…
John, you have been a great friend and a great brother and it has been an
honor to be here today. You’ve made me an Uncle, You’ve made you’re best man and if you can make me half the man you are today I wont go far wrong. I can honestly say for the second time in m y life I am truly jealous of you and I wish yourself Kim and charlotte the very best for the future.
Thank you.

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