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Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I’d like to thank the groom for his kind words, and I have to say they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful.
I am very proud that I was chosen to be the best man today. It’s often said at weddings that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to kiss the Queen. Its a great honor but nobody wants to do it.
I have a large library of stories to tell you that will leave the groom embarrassed and humiliated, but out of respect for him on his big day I have decided not to tell them. So I’m not going to tell you about the time he vomited over a taxi driver’s head or ended up in hospital on his stag do.[drizzle]
The groom was born on Feburary 2, 1982. Coincidentally, this was also the year that the first Mr. David books were published, and if you know him or know anyone that has lived with him, you’ll easily be able to guess which Mr. Man he takes after. No, its not Mr. Topsy-Turvey or Mr. Bump, it’s Mr. Messy. Even though he stopped reading the Mr. David books last year, I doubt he will ever loose his natural ability to make a mess. (To the bride) If you need any tips on getting him to tidy up, don’t ask my mom or dad as they were unsuccessful for twenty years.
After leaving school, the groom had a brief career as an accountant but soon saw the light and decided that cleaning a swimming pool would be more interesting. After a few other career moves he decided that he was missing something, so decided to go to university to study sport science.
Before he’d gone away to university, the groom was extremely fit, as skinny as a rake, and very serious about his cycling. It was on the following Christmas holiday when I saw he was starting to put on a bit of weight that I realized – he’d fallen in love with beer. I hear he had an excellent time at uni, living in a house of like-minded people who also had this great love.
The stag do was a couple of weeks ago in Brighton and on the Saturday evening we went to a club called The Event. For those of you who don’t know this club, it’s described as giving you the most electrifying night of your life, and to see the groom dance there you’d think he was being electrocuted. Unfortunately for the groom, setveral people had cameras, and I have had some of the raunchier pictures blown up so you can all see what he got up to. A couple of people told me not to show them as it could spoil the bride’s wedding day but I know that she will understand.(Shows pictures)
Moving on to the happy couple. They met while working at a super-market but didn’t officially start seeing each other for quite a while. Just over two years ago the groom ran the London Marathon. It was at the finish that emotion got the better of them. They ran into each other’s arms and burst into tears. They had come to the marathon as close friends and I think probably left as an item and have stayed together ever since.
I would like to say how wonderful she looks and what a lucky man the groom is. They married today for better and for worse. The groom couldn’t have done better and the bride couldn’t have done…(Look down at notes and stumble) better either.
It’s plain for all to see what the groom sees in the bride sitting there all in cream – she’s going to blend in nicely in their kitchen.
I’m now going to read out a few messages:
“I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat.”
Signed ”The Queen”… Oh Sorry… that one is addressed to me.
(Pocket the card) There were also one or two messages from some of the groom’s ex-girlfriends (pull out full black bin liner) but I’ll only read a couple.[/drizzle]
“From all of us at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium, we hope you have a great day.”
Here’s another one: “I can’t help thinking about what could have been. Loving you always. Tarquin.”
Moing swiftly on. Could you all please stand now and join me in a toast. To the bride and groom’s parents for this special day. Thank you. While you are all still standing, I’d like to say that it really has been an honor and a pleasure being best man, but today I am the best man in name only. It’s the bride and broom’s day and I’d like to wish them all the very best for this new chapter in their lives. Please join me in a toast. To the bride and groom.