Humorous and Casual Wedding Speech by the Groom

Word Count: 651

Thanks guys, they say marriage is an institution and therefore, it
seems proper that I am about to be married since some of you have been
saying I should have been institutionalised for years.

Some of you may be concerned as to whether I am actually prepared
marriage, but I want to assure you that I am fully aware of the
changes that marriage will bring and to this end I have prepared a
small list.[drizzle]

1. I understand that my rights to have a say in matters pertaining to
decorating are revoked. Although I am still entitled to an opinion on
such matters, my wife has no obligation to reward my ideas with
anything other than a pat on the head and a giggle.
2. I am aware that shopping, as a married man will differ somewhat
from what I am used to. So picking up a bag of potato chips and a keg
of beer before proudly announcing “I’m done” may result in some
privileges being withdrawn.
3. Flowers are no longer a currency for buying forgiveness.
4. The frequency of sex will now be directly related to my behaviour,
thoughtfulness and consideration and will be awarded on a performance
5. Cooking by a male in the kitchen is out of bounds except under
strict supervision. However, I must be careful in my wording that “The
kitchen belongs to my wife”. N.B. See no.4 for ramifications if the
phrase “My wife belongs in the kitchen” is inadvertently used.
6. “I love you” is no longer just an expression of endearment, but
also a handy answer to no-win questions such as “Do I look okay”, “Do
you think I am getting fat” and “Do you mind if my mother comes to
stay for a few days”.
7. It is okay for her to shout “Cworr” at hunks on the television,
because it is just meant in “a humorous way”. “I must however refrain
from making any such comment when a beautiful girl appears on screen.
I understand that although she may not be watching for a reaction, she
will be on alert. If in doubt see no.6. Important Note: The words
“Rack”,”Hooters” and “Headlamps” are no longer a useful part of my
vocabulary and must be dispensed of immediately”,

So as you can see guys, I am prepared for what is to come. Thank you
for the present and I’d like to also thank you for not getting me a
stripper. Getting a stripper at this point would be like buying a big
cream cake for a fat kid to celebrate him going on a diet.

I look forward to seeing most of you at the wedding and if you see me
before the ceremony looking at you with fear in my eyes, its just that
my mind has gone blank with nerves. Please just remind me of her name
and everything will be fine.

Additions (Options)
Thank you all for the presents, cards and best wishes. It really does
mean a lot to me that I have your support as I begin my journey as a
married man.

It is traditional to get some funny gifts and I was apprehensive as to
what I would get as I came to work this morning.[/drizzle] I tried to think of
practical applications for such things as an eight-foot pair of
plastic breasts, an elephant’s trunk thong and an inflatable sheep.

It seems ironic that many of the humorous gifts associated with
getting married would be hours of fun for a bachelor. Still….(check
watch, look at one of the presents if appropriate and then back at
your watch)….there is time.

Ahem, I put on my best underwear this morning, just in case you had me
tied up and whipped by a stripper, but it looks like so far (SUITABLE
PERSON) has managed to keep their clothes on. So, I’m not the only
one achieving a first today Eh?

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