Good evening, everyone! For those who don’t know me, I’m Oliver, the lucky guy who somehow convinced Emma to marry him. I know what you’re all thinking: “Wow, he scrubs up well!” Well, thank you. It turns out that a comb and a suit can do wonders for a man.
First off, I want to thank you all for being here today. I know some of you traveled long distances, and others just had to walk down the street. To those who traveled, your presence means the world to us. To our neighbors, well, thanks for not having a barbecue instead.
Now, I’ve been told that a groom’s speech should last as long as he can make love. So, thank you and goodnight!
[Pause for laughter]
Just kidding, Emma. I promise to last at least another five minutes.
I’d like to take a moment to thank our parents. To my mom and dad, thank you for raising me to be the man I am today. Your love, support, and decision not to return me to the hospital after I set fire to the garage have made all this possible.
To Emma’s parents, thank you for welcoming me into your family and for raising such an incredible daughter. I promise to take good care of her, or at least to pretend to listen when she tells me about her day.
Now, onto my beautiful bride, Emma. Sweetheart, you look absolutely stunning today. When you walked down the aisle, I was so overwhelmed that I forgot how to breathe. It’s a good thing my best man, Charlie, was there to remind me. Thanks, buddy. I owe you one.
Emma and I met five years ago at a friend’s costume party. I was dressed as a pirate, and she was Wonder Woman. It was love at first sight… or maybe it was just the rum. Either way, I knew she was special when she laughed at my terrible pirate jokes and didn’t run away when I showed her my peg leg. It was fake, by the way. I’m not actually a pirate.
Over the years, Emma has taught me so many valuable life lessons. For instance, I’ve learned that “fine” never actually means fine, that my socks don’t belong on the coffee table, and that apparently, pizza is not a balanced meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
But in all seriousness, Emma, you make me want to be a better person every day. Your kindness, your intelligence, and your ability to put up with my dad jokes are just a few of the reasons why I fall more in love with you each day. I still can’t believe you agreed to marry me. I promise to spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t regret that decision… much.
As we embark on this new adventure together, I want to make a few promises to you:
- I promise to always be your biggest fan, even when you attempt to sing in the shower.
- I promise to love you unconditionally, even during your pre-coffee morning zombie phase.
- I promise to be your partner in crime, your shoulder to cry on, and your personal bug remover.
- And most importantly, I promise to always put the toilet seat down. Eventually.
To our bridal party, thank you for standing by our side today and for all your help in making this day so special. You’ve been there through the good times, the bad times, and that one time we all agreed never to speak of again. You know who you are, and you know what you did.
And finally, to all our guests, thank you again for sharing this day with us. We’re so grateful for your love and support. Please enjoy the rest of the evening, the free bar, and the inevitable spectacle of my dad’s dancing.
Now, if you’ll all please raise your glasses. To my beautiful wife, Emma: May our love be modern enough to survive the changing times but old-fashioned enough to last forever. Here’s to a lifetime of love, laughter, and me pretending to remember our anniversary without a reminder from my phone.
Cheers, everyone!